Life goes on
by DarkAngel814
Summary: After her attempted suicide Ruthie is forced into therapy where her fears become more focused on her. Ruthie tries to stay quiet but as time goes on will she be able to keep her pain a secret? Sequel to Pain cuts too deep. R&R!
1. Don't go

**Chapter one: Don't go**

**Ruthie sat in a quiet little office painted a maroon color, after her suicide attempt her parents had sent her to therapy. _Like this will really help!_ **

"**So Ruthie? How are you?" Dr. Grainer asked. She was young, and had blonde hair.**

"**Just dandy" Ruthie replied sarcastically. **

"**Really, sarcasm isn't needed" She smiled.**

"**This isn't needed" Ruthie spat.**

"**Ok," She folded her arms and waited silently for Ruthie to say something.**

"**What?" Ruthie stared at her questioningly. She shrugged her shoulders. Ruthie rolled her eyes she wasn't going to say anything. Her eyes drifted to the clock, as she watched it tick the sound magnified. All she heard was tick, tick, tick. **

"**Ok well are time is up, maybe next time we'll talk" She sighed. **

"**Doubt it" Ruthie replied snidely. She didn't want to talk to her or anyone else she was over trying to kill herself it wouldn't help anyway. She couldn't escape her pain.

* * *

**

**Ruthie had accepted Sean was dead; she had opened up to Paige only to close up when she was sent to therapy. Ruthie sat in the kitchen thinking about why she had tried to kill herself she knew why, and if she thought it would help she would try it again. It wasn't going to help her she had realized; it had been a month since Sean's death. She had started therapy a week after; it was no use and boring. The phone rang.**

"**Hello?" Ruthie said monotonously.**

"**Ruthie?" Paige sighed.**

"**Hey Paige," Ruthie immediately brightened up.**

"**No, don't get excited," Paige, said.**

"**Why?" Ruthie said surprised at her friend's reaction.**

"**I'm moving," She sighed.**

"**WHAT!" Ruthie shrieked. "When?"**

"**In two days" Paige said quietly.**

"**What so soon?" Ruthie was frantic. "NO! You can't. I need you." **

"**I've known longer but," She stopped. "I couldn't tell you."**

"**Why?" Ruthie said holding back tears. "My parent's want me away from all this mess and my dad was offered a new job he had refused before the shooting but he took the job a week ago."**

"**Why didn't you tell me?" Ruthie started to yell. Lucy came into the room, and stopped seeing Ruthie crying.**

"**I'm sorry I should have—" Ruthie cut her off.**

"**Your right. I can't believe your leaving me!" Ruthie hung up on Paige.**

"**Who?" Lucy asked.**

"**Paige is moving" Ruthie cried. "It's not fair" Ruthie sat down.**

"**So your mad at her?" Lucy asked.**

"**You don't understand!" Ruthie said.**

"**Yeah your right I don't, because you won't let anyone understand!" Lucy said. "What's your problem everyone wants to help you and you won't let them!"**

"**I don't want your help! I don't want you to understand! I need Paige—" Ruthie said.**

"**Yeah well she's leaving—" Ruthie got up and stormed out. "So you could just talk to me," Lucy screamed after her.**

**_It pierces hard  
Trickles down my spine  
I sit here and die  
I cry for you to come back to me  
Why I ask? You but you don't say  
You'll just look and walk away  
So stay with me don't leave me behind  
I had no choice in your decision  
_****_So here I lie making this incision  
God I pray to save me now_**  
_**For my soul is going down**_

**Ruthie found herself in that oh so familiar park, she had come here when she called Sean that night she told him. She came here when she tried to kill herself now she found herself here again. Crying on that same bench, _don't go! Paige I need you! _Ruthie sighed, she was trying to make sense of nothing she could comprehend, and it only made her head spin. The wind blew, and she felt someone's arm touch her shoulder she looked up and saw Paige smile down at her.**

"**I don't want to go" Paige said sitting down.**

"**I know, I don't want you too" Ruthie said.**

"**I'm not dying" Paige smiled. Ruthie rolled her eyes. "You should tell someone. Then maybe you wouldn't feel so alone when I leave, maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone when Sean left?" **

"**Your right I know you are but I just can't," She stared hard at Paige, and just nodded her head. They sat there accepting that one of them would be gone in a couple of days. Ruthie didn't want to accept it but she knew she had to.**


	2. Reality bites

**Chapter two: Reality bites**

Ok so I hope you like it I am trying a new style and doing something new with the story making it more Ruthie's thought's. Review on the new style please.

**Ruthie felt depression overcome her she felt herself sinking into a black hole nothing could help her. She had been drained emotionally, she was confused and couldn't think anymore. She wanted to surrender to her emotions and just tell everyone how she felt, _how do I feel?_ She was unsure of her own feelings; she knew Paige was leaving her like Sean. What scared her most was therapy she felt as if she was going to say something she didn't want to the entire time so she said nothing. Her therapist had suggested she write some of her thoughts down since she didn't want to talk. So Ruthie had started a diary she thought back to when Lucy kept a diary how every one had made fun of her. Ruthie didn't seem to think it was so stupid anymore…**

_**Dear diary,**_

_**Why am I so terrified why has God done this to me is even real? If he were wouldn't he save me from all of this? Save me from myself? What have I done to deserve such punishment? Or is he not there to even help me, has he never been there or has he just turned away from me? I thought you were supposed to forgive well how the hell am I supposed to forgive when one thing after another brings me down on me knees crying! I can't take it anymore; sometimes I wish I were dead. I wish that this horrible treacherous life would be over never to dishearten me again. Never to bring me down, but that isn't happening! Why did you take him from me? Did you give Sean to me just to take him away or do you actually have some mysterious reason cause I really doubt you do! I really doubt there even is a God! I doubt I'll ever see Sean again, cause if there is a heaven and hell since I'm living in hell on earth why would I go to heaven when I die. I have obviously done something so horrible to the o mighty God. If they're even is one…**_

**Ruthie put her pen down sighing she reread over and over what she had just written, wishing she knew god was reading it with her. Ruthie had lost her faith in him, Ruthie's faith meant everything to her and now it was gone. She felt completely utterly lost, and helpless. She felt alone; with know one willing to help her, because she wouldn't let anyone.

* * *

**

**Ruthie sat there silently waiting for Dr. grainer to say something anything, but the clock just ticked and ticked driving Ruthie insane.**

**"Aren't you going to say something?" She finally asked.**

**"I thought you didn't want to talk?" Dr. Grainer said.**

**"I don't" Ruthie shrugged.**

**"Well?" Dr. Grainer waited.**

**"Fine talk I can't take the silence" Ruthie sighed.**

**"Ok how is the diary going?" She asked.**

**"Fine" Ruthie said shortly.**

**"Really so your keeping it?" She nodded.**

**"Yeah" Ruthie shrugged. Dr. Grainer stared at her Ruthie felt strange and shifted in her seat.**

**"So what do you want to talk about? We could talk about Sean?" She asked. Ruthie just glared at her. "He was your boyfriend right?" Ruthie nodded.**

**"Yes" she said quietly.**

**"I bet it was hard losing someone you cared about" She said.**

**"Yeah, I loved…" Ruthie stopped drifting off, she could feel tears stinging her eyes.**

**"Yeah?" She said urging her.**

**"I loved Sean" Ruthie sighed. "Its not fair, Why did he have to go—" Ruthie stopped herself fighting back tears she didn't want to say something she might regret. Ruthie Felt her emotions crawl back in to the cocoon to keep from releasing them.**

**"Ruthie?" She said. Ruthie didn't respond. "So why was Sean so important to you?" Ruthie stared silently trying to find the perfect answer.**

**"Because we loved each other," She finally whispered.**

**"Your family loves you and they are still here for you—" She was cut off.**

**"It's not that! You don't get it!" Ruthie's voice began to rise. Dr. Grainer just looked at her silently Ruthie knew she had said more then she wanted to**

**"So explain to me why is Sean different why did you need Sean's love more then anyone else's?" She asked.**

**"That's not true I need Paige!" Ruthie's voice began to crack.**

**"Yes but before Sean died, whys was he so special to you?" She asked.**

**"Cause…" she sighed.**

**"Well times up but I will see you next time" She said. Ruthie got up as quickly as always.**

**"Yeah bye" She rushed out tears burning through her eyes trying to escape. She felt hopeless again another chance to tell someone gone, why was she so terrified. Ruthie closed her eyes as she leaned against the wall, images flashed in her mind of Sean of herself, of that night, of his death, of Paige, of Alex, and of her again but only she was dead. When she opened her eyes she felt a wave fear crash upon her. She knew she was drowning herself in her fears, her pain. She had no idea how to escape it though she felt entangled in a web like a fly in a spider web. Ruthie felt her past haunting her; she knew it would always do so. She wanted to know why though? _Will I always be tortured by my past am I going to relive my past for the rest of my life? Did my future disappear that night? Am I gone? Did he take me when he took my virginity?_ Ruthie stared forward at nothing just trying to figure this all out she just stood there absorbing her surroundings and her pain.**


	3. Death is just a permanent goodbye

Ok so here is another chapter please tell me if you don't like I really hope you do I think my writing is getting stronger. Oh and just to say I do not own any of the characters except for Dr. Grainer and Alex.

**Chapter three: Death is just a permanent goodbye**

**Ruthie stood next to her best friend hand in hand she squeezed it as tight as she could, till her knuckles turned white and tears came to her eyes. Ruthie stared at Paige amazed she was actually leaving her.**

"**I'll be back," Paige cried.**

"**Really?" Ruthie sighed.**

"**I'm not dying Ruthie I'm just moving, you can see me again without suicide" Paige joked through tears.**

"**Yeah, that's true your just moving to Pennsylvania" She cried. Ruthie stared at her best friend she knew her deepest darkest secret she was keeping her sane and now she was leaving. **

"**Ruthie?" She said.**

"**How will I survive without you Paige?" Ruthie said holding back her tears. "You know I need you!" **

"**I know, I actually need you too" She said choking up, Paige smiled at her and Ruthie tried to smile back.**

"**I wish you weren't going," She said lowering her head letting her tears drop to the ground. Paige knew those tears were for her and Sean she knew Ruthie felt She was dying on her as well.**

"**This isn't permanent, I promise I will call you and your coming out there" Paige said reassuring her disheartened friend. "Your secret is and always will be safe" Paige winked at her. **

"**Thanks Paige I'll miss you" She said tears now streaming down her cheeks. **

"**Paige!" Mr. Michalchuk called. "We have to go now honey" Paige stared at Ruthie hugging her one last time. Ruthie held on like she would never let go, she finally released her and watched as Paige slowly walked away. She fixated her eyes on Paige as she got in the car, She waved goodbye to her best friend as she drove off. Ruthie stood there feeling empty and alone as she watchedtheir car disappear over the horizon.

* * *

**

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**She is gone, who knows if I will ever see her again. I know this is supposed to only be see you later but it feels like goodbye. I waited a long time in her driveway staring where her car had been only a few minutes ago. I wanted her back the moment she drove away; I wanted her back before she left. Is there a reason she had to go? I doubt there is a reason to anything anymore. The only reason is to make my life more miserable then it already is. She is everything to me Sean was everything to me do you take away everything I love? Everything that means something to me? Am I never going to be happy again? Why did Paige have to go, we needed each other I didn't just need her she needed me but once again she is ripped from hands just like Sean. Why must you torture me? Is for your own expense am I dispensable? Is my life of no meaning to you that you can play with my emotions and me like I was a doll? Is that what the O mighty God does? Is he a foolish child playing with their toys? Or has Satan just begun to rule and is destroying my life first?

* * *

**_

**Ruthie was silent all day as she thought about Paige she missed her already and she had been only gone a few hours. Losing Paige made Ruthie think of Sean, and tears raced to her eyes. Ruthie had been trying not to think about Sean because she could only imagine him lying on the ground, her head on his lap covered in blood screaming for him to wake up. Thinking about it made Ruthie shiver from the reminder of his painful death. Ruthie glanced up at the photograph she found in his house, it was a sweet reminder for her how much he really cared for her. Ruthie sighed as she stared at the photograph of the two kissing. Ruthie lay there staring at the ceiling, she was exhausted but she couldn't even think of sleep. Just then Ruthie heard the phone ring, she waited for someone to answer it but nobody did. Ruthie finally picked it up hesitantly.**

"**Hello?" someone said, Ruthie felt shivers run up and down her spine, as her body grew cold. She couldn't speak or breathe she lost every movement every thought. Her mind was racing with thoughts none of which made any sense to her. _This isn't possible it can't be! _Ruthie finally snapped back to reality, and slammed the phone down on the receiver. She felt her whole body shaking from head to toe; she felt those tears pour down her face. She reached for the phone to call Paige when she realized she couldn't she was gone. Ruthie was terrified as she thought about the voice that now echoed through her head as she thought about the voice that now ringed in her ears as she thought about the voice that controlled her nightmares. _Why now?_ Ruthie couldn't help wonder why her nightmares were coming true how this was possible. **

**Ruthie sat there silently listening to the phone ring again, and again. She cringed every time she heard it ring at thought of who was calling. She finally heard it stop ringing, and she let out a deep breath she was still shaking all over and she was nervous. She could only feel herself drowning in that ocean again, being dragged under by the numerous waves of fear. Nothing she did or said got her out of it she just sat there shaking waiting for the phone to ring again, hoping it wouldn't.**


	4. Unreal

**Chapter four: Unreal **

_The poetry is mine please do not take!_

**Ruthie sat on her bed shaking.** _**That's not possible! This isn't happening!**_ **The voice was being played over and over again in her mind. She picked up the phone to call Paige, but stopped. She realized Paige had moved. Ruthie broke down crying, why was he tormenting her. The voice was haunting her thoughts, crashing down on her like wave after wave. She felt scared of herself.**

**Ruthie got up she had lost control of herself, she felt like she was watching herself from the outside. She ran out of the house and kept walking she didn't understand where she was going, or what she might do. Everything blurred and she only concentrated on her thoughts as she kept walking. Thoughts raced through her mind faster then she could comprehend. When she finally got there she felt like her brain shutdown, she didn't know what she was doing.**

* * *

"**So, why'd you come Ruthie?" Dr. Grainer asked. Ruthie snapped out of her daze and realized where she was.**

"**I was scared," Ruthie said. She couldn't control what she was saying she felt conflicted in that she wanted to tell but at the same time didn't.**

"**Of?" She asked.**

"**Hurting myself…" Ruthie whispered.**

"**Well, I'm glad you came" She said. "Why were you scared of hurting yourself?"**

"**Cause…" Ruthie stopped she didn't know what to say.**

"**Yes?" She said. She waited for her to answer Ruthie stared at her as though struggling to answer. "You can tell me Ruthie"**

"**I… I…" She stumbled on her words, trying to piece together her thoughts. "he called" She finally said. As soon as she did she regretted it though. She felt herself being pulled into a dream.**

"**Who?" She asked. Ruthie stared blankly at her as though terrified. "Ruthie" She waved her hand in front of her face. Ruthie screamed tears streaming down her face. She jumped up.**

"**Ruthie?" She asked trying to calm her down.**

"**No…" Ruthie cried her voice barely above a whisper. She was in hysterics.**

"**Ruthie what happened?" she asked. Ruthie had drifted into a daydream that scared her.**

"**I…got…to…go…" She sobbed. **

"**Wait" she said.**

"**Ruthie what happened?" she said sternly.**

"**I…I saw…" She sat down sobbing. She had to tell her or she would be terrified, she knew if she didn't tell her she would go home and do something stupid. "I can't…I got to go" She got up crying.**

"**Ruthie please? What is it?" she asked but Ruthie left. "Damn it Ruthie wait." Ruthie was gone she left the office and kept walking with tears streaming down her face her sense stayed behind though trying with Dr. Grainer. Ruthie didn't go home se kept walking as she had known she was not going to go home. If she could help it she would never go home again. Ruthie couldn't deal and she didn't know what to do her mind and body wouldn't listen to her. _If I won't listen to myself I cant help myself. If I can't help myself then I might as well die._**

_**Gunshots rung in her heart  
**__**Reality playing over as a nightmare  
**__**Bitter taste stung in her mouth  
**__**Her heart rusted and decayed  
**__**Love ripped forever from her  
**__**Identity forever labeled, Raped  
**__**She cries herself to sleep  
**__**She lies awake at night  
**__**But now she lies there dying  
**__**Because she can't escape**_


	5. Choices

Sorry for not updating I've been quite busy with school but here it goes. Please read and review.

**Chapter five: Choices**

**Ruthie sat on a bench in the park thinking about the last time she was here, how she had held the bottle in her hands. Ruthie's heart fell heavily as she stared across the park she closed her eyes picturing Sean. _Why is he haunting me!_ She could hear his voice that day on the phone. It wasn't possible though he was dead. So why was he haunting her? Ruthie looked down at her wrists picturing the bruises that had once been there. What seemed like an eternity ago was only months, she thought back to that tragic day where Sean was ripped away from her, she could hear her screams echoing in her head. Ruthie stood up tears in her eyes she had to talk to someone. **

_As I finger your name in the stone  
__Tears drip off my face along the rain  
__The ground soaks up my tears  
__Carrying them to you  
__I sit six feet above your chest  
__Your soul stands in front of me  
__I speak to you as though you listened  
__But you say nothing  
__I don't see you  
__I sit so close to you but we were never further  
__I wait for you to come back  
__But you don't  
__Cause you won't  
__Cause you can't_

**The grass sunk under her feet as she knelt down, her fingers outlining the words against the stone. She sighed remembering the last time she was here, at his funeral she had stood here. **

"**Why are you haunting me?" She cried. "Why can't I just join you? Please, I needed you, you left me!" Tears streamed down her face. She felt someone behind her but when she turned she saw nobody. "You can't do this to me!" She laid her head against the stone. "Paige left me, she's gone. I can't do it alone I need somebody—"**

"**Ruthie," Ruthie spun around. Lucy stood there wrapped in her coat shivering. "Who are you talking to?"**

"**Sean," She whispered. "Lucy why did God take him away from me? I needed him! He was the only one—and now Paige—"**

"**What Ruthie? You aren't talking to anybody, we could help you if you let us what's wrong?" Lucy sat down next to her sister. _Everything! Please I'm going to say nothing!_**

"**Nothing," she whispered painfully.**

"**Bullshit" Lucy exclaimed. "You think I'm blind?" Ruthie looked into her eyes and she could tell that Lucy wanted to help.**

"**I need him," she said. "I need him back, I need him more then anyone or anything in the world, because…"**

"**What?" Lucy said. Ruthie looked up at her she wanted so badly to tell her but some how she couldn't get the words out. They stumbled out.**

"**I… Got to go" Ruthie got up and bolted leaving Lucy standing there staring blankly. Ruthie felt the wind press against her as she ran as fast as she could. She wanted to escape reality. She could feel the ground moving under her feet as she felt time go by. She ran for what felt like forever, she couldn't escape no matter what she did Sean was with her in her nightmares replaying the past few months over in her head. Nothing makes sense she can't bring herself to speak no matter how hard she tries, no matter what she does. She is trapped in her pain, her life an unfair reality. Nothing helps her to escape, because the one holding her back is she.**

**As Ruthie Stands in the middle of nowhere she thinks of Lucy how she left her standing they're wondering. _What is wrong with me? Why am I a coward, I won't hurt myself but I'll torture my family and myself._ Ruthie stood there watching the cars zoom by hard, wanting so desperately to run in front of one. She stood there wanting someone to take her away from her insane reality rip her out of her selfish dream. The cars zip by her pulling tears from her eyes she thinks of her family and Sean and Paige and how she could be okay if only she would allow herself to be helped.**

_Don't hold me back  
__Just let me go  
__I'm waiting here for something more  
__My regrets are pulling me back  
__As my strength depletes  
__I empty myself of selfish things  
__As life becomes hollow  
__As I become shallow  
__I lie awake and cry for you  
__Yet I hold my own self back_


	6. Help!

**Chapter six: Help!**

**Ruthie felt herself being pulled in two; she was drained emotionally and was tired of running from her pain. It was dark out, she listened closely to the cars whizzing by she could hear a faint ringing and realized it was her phone. She pulled it out and answered it. **

"**Ruthie?" Lucy said. Lucy could hear Ruthie breathing but there was no answer. "Ruthie? Where are you?"**

"**I'm okay," Ruthie whispered in a hoarse voice.**

"**Where are you? What's going on?" Lucy begged.**

"**I can't, Lucy you don't understand!" Ruthie cried.**

"**Then let me," Lucy begged her; Ruthie was cold and scared and it was dark, she wanted to go home. **

"**Can you pick me up?" Ruthie said.**

"**Ok, where are you?" Ruthie told her where she was, and waited for her to come get her.**

_**Trapped inside a cage of fear,  
**__**My shrieks don't even pierce the bars  
**__**I cry wanting to escape  
**__**An illusion-coated reality blinds me  
**__**All my sense slips away  
**__**And my voice disappears  
**_As my pain rots me from the inside out

**Ruthie sat in the car silently, as Lucy drove her home. She was trying to figure out how to tell her. She finally spoke.**

"**I loved him…" Ruthie sighed. "I told him everything, and he loved me" Lucy nodded. "He was the only one who knew…" But she drifted off as choked up.**

"**He knew what?" Lucy said.**

" **I told Paige and now she's gone…" Ruthie sighed. "At that party, something happened…"**

"**What?" Lucy asked again.**

"**I… I… I was…" Ruthie stumbled. "I was _raped_" She whispered tears streaming down her face. "And Sean knew and he left me, and Paige knew and she left me and when I tried to leave I couldn't and I couldn't tell anyone… and… and… he was trying to protect me Sean was trying to protect me I would've been dead! Not him but me!" She sobbed, she was so relieved to have told someone, but thinking about made her sick to her stomach she kept picturing _him_ and picturing Sean's dead body. "Pull over," Ruthie sobbed. Silently Lucy pulled over to the side of the road. Ruthie sat there shaking from crying so hard.**

"**Ruthie…" Lucy didn't know what to say. Ruthie opened the door and jumped out she sat on the grass crying. Tears streamed down her face, she just sat there crying.**

"**Ruthie why didn't you tell anyone when it happened?" Lucy asked. **

"**I was scared," She whispered. **

"**Well I have to tell mom and dad, no you have to tell them—" Lucy said.**

"**I can't!" she said looking up. "Let's go home" Ruthie felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders but she still felt alone and scared.**

_**Tears weigh heavy upon my cheeks  
**__**I rest my head on your shoulder  
**_Lifting the weight off my shoulders  
_**Lightening my heart**_

**As the car pulled into the driveway Ruthie sat motionless, waiting for the world to end. She didn't want to tell her parents she was starting to regret telling Lucy, they couldn't do anything!**

"**Do they know I ran away?" Ruthie asked.**

"**Yeah I tried calling but you wouldn't pick up so I panicked and called them" Lucy said. Ruthie sighed as she looked at her home; she opened the door and walked towards it each step she regretted. Once inside, she wanted to run away.**

"**You found her! What were you thinking? What is wrong with you?" Annie cried. Lucy sighed as she listened to her parents yell at Ruthie. Ruthie just sat there quietly.**

"**Ruthie answer us!" Eric yelled.**

"**What do you want me to say?" Ruthie screamed.**

"**You could answer our questions" Annie said.**

"**Ok fine I don't know I was thinking I was thinking I never fucking think!" Ruthie shouted. **

"**Ruthie what is wrong? You must have lost all your senses when Sean died. You want to explain it to us or just cause problems? Cause if your not going to explain it to us then don't expect us to understand."**

"**Ruthie…" Lucy said.**

"**NO! You want answers fine. I don't think! I don't fucking care about anyone but myself that's what you think right? What's wrong with me? What isn't fucking wrong with me?" Ruthie screamed. "Lucy you want me to actually explain to these people? Explain what to them, they won't hear anything it will go in one fucking ear and out the next, cause to them I'm just trying to fuck up everyone's lives, I'm just a fucking problem child aren't I?" Ruthie stormed up to her room slamming her door behind her. _I can't do anything right!_**

_**One problem solved another arises  
**__**My happiness burnt to a crisp  
**__**Fire destroying ever shed of light  
**__**Leaving only ashes of pain behind**_


	7. Scene of the crime

**Chapter Seven: Scene of the crime**

**Ruthie sat on her bed near the open window, the summer breeze brushing past her face. She half wished school would start to keep her mind on something, but she felt that school would be harder she'd have to face the fact Paige was gone, and the fact that Sean was too. Ruthie wanted to find a way to just forget about things, she wanted to escape from the fighting and the pain, and all the problems she caused. **

**Ruthie got up and went downstairs, as she headed for the door her dad stopped her.**

"**Where are you going?" He asked.**

"**Out," She replied.**

"**No your not, your grounded among other things," He said.**

"**Try and stop me," She said glaring at him. She grabbed his keys to the car off a hook and ran outside. She locked the car and threw them in the bushes, before he came out. She didn't know where she was going but she had an idea. It was late, it was the end of summer, and she knew one person who'd be having a party.**

**As she slowed down, she approached a big house, with music blaring and kids everywhere. She stopped, _Ryan's house._ This was the house where she had been raped, the house where everything began. Ruthie took a deep breath and went inside. The music was even louder and the whole house smelt of smoke and beer. Ruthie looked around at the faces some of which she knew, some of which she didn't but all of which knew her or at least of her. She felt as though they were staring at her, and whispering about her. Ruthie immediately went to drink table and this time, didn't hesitate to take a beer, or two, or more. Ruthie walked around talking to random people about random things, none of it felt real. They were to drunk to recognize her anymore.**

"**Your that preachers kid right?" Some guy asked her.**

"**I prefer Ruthie," She gulped.**

"**Whatever, you're the dead kids girlfriend right?" He asked continuing. "That's deep" Ruthie looked disgustingly at him and walked away. She wanted to go home but anyone that could drive her wasn't leaving yet, not to mention drunk but that factor didn't bug her. She kept walking around avoiding the stairs and the second floor altogether. Everyone was talking, dancing, or drinking.**

**Ruthie felt her head get heavier after each beer. She could feel the room spinning around her. The music got softer, and her heartbeat got louder. She slumped against the wall sweat dripping down her face. **

"**Ruthie?" Someone said. She focused her eyes.**

"**Ryan?" She asked, as though she knew him although Paige had been the one to talk to him. Ryan was in her class; his older brother had invited them to the party earlier in the year.**

"**I haven't seen you in a while… you kind of vanished after what happened…" He stopped. "With Sean…" **

"**Yeah…Uhh…" She had wanted to say Sean who but even being drunk she could never play it that cool. She just looked away. **

"**Why are you here?" he asked. **

"**I guessed why?" she said. "You don't want me here, I could understand we've never really spoken outside school, we never even see each other, I'm surprised you even know my name. When was last time you saw me? newspaper doesn't count!"**

"**Of course I know your name, and…" He stopped again, as though choosing his words carefully. "I saw you… the last time when you came to my house…"**

"**What, I didn't see, and I know cause I wasn't drunk then--" she said. He looked at her, cutting her off.**

"**You've been drinking I gather, um you want me to drive you home?" he asked.**

"**No thank you, I'm fine I don't need help. Don't pity me, please, its not like you even care or anything you don't even know me," She said walking away he grabbed her arm. A sudden fear rushed through her at his touch.**

"**Let me give you a ride!" he said with a sudden fierceness. He stopped, and looked at her. **

"**I said no, and don't touch me," she said. He glared at her and let go.**

"**Let me get you a ride then," He said.**

"**No! Why do you want me to leave?" she asked.**

"**Yeah, I do…." He said.**

"**Oh fuck off," She said.**

"**Shut up," He yelled. She locked eyes, and gazed in terror as she looked into the face that had ruined her life. Time seemed to stop as she realized he had raped her.**

"**You…you…" She stumbled trying to catch her breath.**

"**Shut up," He repeated grabbing her arms. "Be quiet!"**

"**You…why? How…" She pulled away. He tried to grab her but she ran outside. As she stepped outside she felt him grab her arm again.**

"**I was drunk," He whispered to her.**

"**I don't care," she said with a disgusted voice. "You raped me"**

"**Oh please, it wasn't like that!" he said.**

"**What!" she half screamed.**

"**You were in a bedroom by yourself, what's a drunk guy supposed to assume" He yelled back.**

"**Well when you assume you make an ass out of you and me," She replied.**

"**Fuck you," **

"**You already did!" She stopped. He twisted her arm holding it tightly.**

"**You'll keep your mouth quiet if you know what's good for you, I'm not going to let some stupid little dramatic bitch ruin my life. Isn't ruining two lives enough!" **

"**What are you talking about?" She said slowly, she had started crying at that point.**

"**Well you broke Alex's heart and now he's in jail and your boyfriends dead because of how you treated Alex!" He yelled. "You stupid bitch deserved what you got for how you treated him!"**

"**That's right, your…your… his friend… he didn't know I bet his best friend raped the girl he liked!" She said sobbing.**

"**Oh please, he would have done it himself that night had he not refused to come because of how you treated him." He said. Ruthie sobbed as everything made sense, she had been so blind that she couldn't see the obvious, even though it was right in front of her. **

"**Get away from me!" She screamed, she turned to leave but he wouldn't let her.**

"**No!" He yelled holding her arm.**

"**Stop it," She kneed him in the balls and ran. He bent over, for a minute giving her the time to escape. Ruthie kept running trying to escape trying to keep herself from breaking down. Everything was clear, but all she felt was confusion.**


	8. Listen to your heart

**Chapter eight: Listen to your heart**

_Sorry its been so long but I have had a hard time topping the last chapter… so hope you like this one I've worked hard on it._

**As Ruthie walked down the empty street, all she could think about was home. She wanted to go home. She felt like a baby, _I want my mommy_! She couldn't take all of this. She kept on walking; she was heading the opposite direction from her house. Ruthie could taste the beer on breath, and could still feel his hands on her arm. She wondered if anyone had seen the two of them fighting. _How stupid could you be! What and idiot! You saw him everyday at school! Why did you go back there! What did you expect!_ Ruthie staggered down the street. Tears streamed down her face, blurring her vision. She tripped, falling into the street banging her head against the cement. She laid their unconscious.**

**When she woke up she felt the cement under her it was still dark out. Ruthie got up weakly. Her head was pounding last night felt like a dream but as she looked around it became more real she was only a few blocks from the party. She started heading home she pulled out her cell it was 5am.**

"**My parents are going to kill me," She said to herself. The rush of last night hit her, and all she could think of was Sean. For the first time since this all started Ruthie was sure about what she was doing as she headed for the cemetery.**

**At 5:30 in the morning the cemetery was quiet, and empty. She strolled along the headstones, reaching out to brush them for a sense of security. As she sat in front of Sean's grave she felt safe, safer then anywhere else. **

"**Did I ruin your life?" She said softly. The wind whispered by brushing her hair. "I loved you," Ruthie stopped. "I still do… what did I ever do?" She laughed thinking about him but stopped and sighed. The wind died and silence over took the graveyard. Ruthie held her hand out to the headstone, tracing his name with her fingers. "Sean, I've barely said your name since… you died" Tears streaked down her face. "I can't believe I was so stupid. I can't believe how stupid—" She paused. "How could you possibly be so stupid?" She listened to herself, and she didn't hate herself for saying that. "You were you should have told me, you might've still been alive… but how could you have known…Maybe I did ruin your life and maybe it was my fault Alex went crazy…" She closed her eyes picturing Sean. She remembered talking to Paige, after being released from the hospital. **

**_Flashback _"It's not your fault," Paige sighed. "Sean loved you that's why he died for you" "Yeah your right…" She sighed she didn't know if she agreed but she said it anyway. _End._**

**Paige had wanted to help her so badly, and Ruthie knew that Paige was right. "Paige was right, you loved me. It wasn't my fault Ryan caused all this, Most of it anyway. I never did anything to him. Sean I miss you, I can't stop seeing you wherever I go." Ruthie took a deep breath; the sun was starting to rise, sprinkling light on the grass. She knew she couldn't stay here forever even though she wanted to. "What do I do? I don't know whom to trust anymore… I want to trust everyone but I can't… but I guess I want a lot…"**

"**Want or need?" A voice behind her said. Ruthie froze in a state of shock; she turned around slowly in disbelief. " I flew in all the way from Pennsylvania to see you only to find out you've disappeared, again from what I'm told." **

"**Paige?" Ruthie jumped up and hugged her. "I'm so happy to see you!"**

"**What are you doing here?" Paige asked.**

"**I wanted to talk to him, I went back to the house Paige. You won't believe this, Ryan raped me…"**

"**Again?" Paige asked. **

"**No! He was the one that raped me!" She half yelled.**

"**Calm down. How do you know this?" She said placing her hands on Ruthie's shoulders.**

"**Because… I no the way he acted… and then he admitted it…" She started crying. "He said he did it for Alex because I was ruining his life he said I destroyed two lives already…" She sobbed. "Did I? Did I destroy Sean's life?"**

"**No, don't say that! You didn't do anything!" Paige yelled at her. Ruthie looked at her stunned. "Listen to me, Alex SHOT Sean! You didn't do anything! Alex stalked you! Alex obsessed over you! Ryan RAPED you and Ryan set Alex up! You were the victim stop blaming yourself, what happened to the old Ruthie? The one that would stick up for other people, and herself... Ruthie you're the strongest person I've ever known, I know that if you stop blaming yourself you could be over this…" She stopped.**

"**Maybe your right, but I'm not that girl anymore!" She yelled through tears. "Half of her died _that_ night, and the other half died with Sean!"**

"**I don't believe that, I believe half you died with Sean but Ruthie your still down there!" Paige said. "If only I could get you back…" **


	9. Finally home

**Chapter nine: Finally home**

"**There is so much I'm sorry for, I'm sorry for running away, I'm sorry for the way I acted, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I couldn't I was scared; I was scared of what could happen and of what would happen. I knew that once it was out there it was real and I wanted to hide it forever. I wanted to be your little girl; I didn't want my parents to have to know what had happened. But I wanted to tell you first mommy, you were the only one I wanted to tell when I felt so alone when it happened. I knew my friends were there for me but I knew you'd really care more then anyone, but I couldn't tell you. How do you break the truth to your parents that your not so innocent anymore, that your not who they want you to be, that you can never be what they want. How do you tell them… that you failed?" Ruthie sat there staring at the rug beneath her feet. Her parents sat on either side of Dr. Grainer listening to Ruthie. Tears fell down her cheeks. Eric was about to speak but Dr. Grainer held her hand up.**

"**Ruthie, can you look at me?" She asked. Ruthie shook her head, trembling. "Why not?"**

"**How am I supposed to look at you guys the same way again knowing you look at me as rape victim and not just your daughter?" Ruthie cried.**

"**Ruthie, you think that's how your parents are going to really see you?" Dr. Grainer asked.**

"**Yes…" She whispered. "That's what I am, I'm not Ruthie Camden anymore, Paige is wrong, I'm not the girl that went to that party. She's gone, and she isn't coming back… just like Sean…" Dr. Grainer looked at Mrs. Camden and nodded.**

"**Ruthie, honey, you're my baby. I see you as the spunky, and sneaky one I've always seen you as. That's never going to change, and I think Ruthie is down there waiting to be let out." Annie said, holding back tears. "And Ruthie you could never fail us!" Ruthie jumped up and hugged her mother tightly.**

"**Mommy, I was so scared! I love you," She sobbed. Ruthie was happy Paige had talked her into to talking to someone. She was happy she could finally hug her mom without wincing, and feeling guilty. She finally felt like she could go home, as herself.**

_I cried out in pain,  
When you walked by  
I cried out in pain,  
The day he died  
I cried out in pain,  
From every memory  
I cried out in pain,  
For my misery  
I cried out but now I don't_

* * *

**Ruthie lay in her bed thinking she had two options, go to court or move on. She wanted to put Ryan in jail but she had little evidence of anything, she had Paige's testimony and the bruises on her arm made from the last time she saw him but that could only prove he was violent with her. A knock on her door jolted Ruthie out of her thoughts.**

"**Who is it?" Ruthie asked.**

"**It's Martin" Martin said opening the door. "Can I come in?"**

"**Sure" Ruthie sat up and sat on her bed Indian style.**

"**Um…" Martin sat on the bed across from her staring at the floor. **

"**I knew it" Ruthie said shaking her head. **

"**What?" Martin asked confused.**

"**You look at me different don't you?" Ruthie said, glaring at him.**

"**No, it's just, I… I don't… I don't know what to say to you," He said. **

"**You don't have to say anything," Ruthie said sharply. "I'm sorry, I can't do this yet, and I can't,"**

"**Do what?" Martin asked.**

"**Be a victim, I'm not a victim… don't give me sympathy" She just shook her head back and forth. "I'm not ready to act like I'm okay…"**

"**You don't have to" Martin said. "I came up to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry it happened. But it's ok to be a victim Ruthie. It's ok to let people care about you."**

"**I know but I can't" Ruthie stared at martin. He got up and left closing the door behind him. Ruthie looked down, she sighed and threw her pillow against the wall, and she got up and walked over to her desk. She picked up a locket she had in her jewelry box and placed it on the keyboard. Ruthie sat down and started working on the computer she finally printed out a tiny picture of her and Sean. She cut it into a heart and placed it in the locket, she put the locket on and just stood there with her hand on her neck. She didn't know what to do, but she knew what Sean would want her to do. He would want her to go to court. So she knew that's what she had to do. Ruthie wanted to let go of it, and she wanted to move on. **


	10. Revenge

**Chapter ten: Revenge**

_Everyone stared at her  
__As she entered the room  
__Not because she was beautiful  
__Or because she was great,  
__Because she was,  
__The one who was raped_

**Ruthie sat there listening, to her surroundings. She was clutching the locket around her neck as her name was called. She walked slowly across the room all eyes on her. Everyone else was invisible in her mind only she and Ryan were in this room. When she sat down she opened her eyes and stared around the courtroom, locking her eyes on the judge.**

"**The night of the party, can you tell me what happened?" asked Ryan's lawyer. Ruthie thought about the question but she was focusing on the guy asking it, tall brown hair, hazel eyes, around thirty she figured, he looked like a lawyer.**

"**Ruthie answer Mr. Howards question" The judge said.**

"**I went to the party with my friend Paige and Martin. When I got there it was loud and smoky and I started dancing. I got thirsty, so I went to get a drink but they were beers and stuff." Ruthie paused. "I went upstairs and went into a bedroom because I was dizzy."**

"**You didn't sit down downstairs?" He asked.**

"**It was too noisy," She replied. "I sat down and heard the door close but didn't see anyone, so I turned around and he snuck up on me…" **

"**Who? Ryan?" He asked.**

"**Yes," She said.**

"**What did he do next, introduce himself?"**

"**No"**

"**Turn on the lights?"**

"**No!"**

"**Say anything?" **

"**Yeah, Shut up"**

"**So, how'd you know who it was?" He asked walking up to her.**

"**I didn't, then." She said.**

"**Really, ok well what did _Ryan _do?"**

"**He pushed onto the bed, and told me to shut up," She said.**

"**And…"**

"**And he put his hand up my shirt…" She stopped and blinked back tears. "And pulled down my skirt."**

"**You didn't scream for help? You had no chance to get away?"**

"**No,"**

"**Did Ryan ever threaten you, you know put a gun to your head?" He asked placing his hands in front of her. **

"**No,"**

"**Why didn't you report it immediately?"**

"**He told me not to tell anyone," She said crying. "And I was scared"**

"**And you didn't know who did it?" He said.**

"**No I didn't, but that's not why--"**

"**Why did you go back there then?" He asked. **

"**I was confused…"**

"**So how was another party at the same house going to help you?"**

"**I don't know"**

"**What happened at Ryan's house that night?"**

"**I was upset and I wanted to forget everything for a night…"**

"**So what happened? Did you drink?"**

"**Yes,"**

"**A lot?"**

"**Yes,"**

"**Then what happened?"**

"**I ran into Ryan, and he started talking to me. We got into a fight and I told him to fuck off and he told me to shut up. I knew it was him when he said that."**

"**So you knew when he said shut up?"**

"**Yes"**

"**Did he ever say I raped you?"**

"**Actually he technically didn't, but when I said he raped the girl his best friend liked he said 'Oh please, he would have done it himself that night had he not refused to come because of how you treated him' so he technically admitted it." She spat back fiercely. His lawyer stopped frozen by her words, for a moment.**

"**So after he so called admitted this you just left? You didn't have anything to say to him?" He said glaring at her.**

"**No, but he did he told me that I already ruined two lives and should keep my mouth shut" Ruthie said glaring back. **

"**No further questions" The lawyer said walking back to his seat.**

**Ruthie sat there waiting; she watched the empty seats fill up as the jury returned. She stared at the hand holding the verdict and watched carefully as if she could read it. As the juror started to read Ruthie just waited for the word she wanted.**

"**Not guilty" He said. Ruthie froze, that wasn't what she wanted. She glanced behind her to see her parents shaking their heads and then quickly glanced at Ryan. He gave her an evil smile; she looked down at the table and just sat their stunned. _Now what?_**


	11. It's not my fault

**Chapter eleven: It's not my Fault**

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I have to move on, I've done every thing I need to just forget about this all, but how? How do I just forget about what happened to me how do I just forget about Sean? Everything was like a chain reaction; I just want to go back in time! Nothing I do helps nothing anyone does helps. Why did I even go through with the trial? I knew he'd never be convicted and now school has started and I have to face my classmates and him everyday. I'm known as the dead boy's girlfriend, the one who caused the shooting, and the one who was raped. I am all that, if you put it simply. I'm also more. How do I get rid of these labels how do I stop labeling myself?

* * *

**_

**Ruthie got up and went outside for a walk. She walked down the block, just looking at the ground thinking. _How do I put myself back together again? _She walked over to the church. Nobody was there; she sat up front in one of the pews. She ran her fingers along the wood.**

"**God, help me!" Ruthie said crying. "What do I do? How do I get myself back? Everyone says its possible, but I don't think I agree. I mean where do I even start to put myself back together? I went through with the trial so I could get over all of this." Ruthie stopped to think. She just sat there thinking the quiet sounds in the church humming around her. She felt safe, like God was watching her here. She felt like a little child again.**

"**I thought I might find you here, after checking the park bench, and the cemetery" Lucy teased. "What are you doing here?"**

"**Thinking…" Ruthie answered.**

"**It's a good place to think" Lucy said taking a seat next Ruthie.**

"**How do I put my life back together?" Ruthie asked staring at the ground.**

"**Well, step by step I guess. You have to get over one thing at a time, I suggest trying it in order." Lucy said. Ruthie looked at her puzzled. "What I mean is start from the beginning"**

"**So I start by getting over my Rape?" Ruthie asked. **

"**Yes, but that one maybe a little more complicated" Lucy said. "But I've seen you come along way since you first told me." **

"**I have" Ruthie said nodding.**

"**I suggest you talk to Dr. Grainer about that one, and think what you have to work on next." Lucy said.**

"**Sean died." Ruthie said.**

"**That's a big jump, and you've come to terms with Sean's being dead but I don't think you've forgiven yourself" Lucy said. Ruthie thought about how to do that. **

"**Thanks, I think I no what you mean" Ruthie said. "Can you drive me to the juvenile detention center Alex is in?" Lucy looked at her for a moment.**

"**Are you sure?" Lucy asked. Ruthie nodded.**

"**I'm positive" Ruthie said.

* * *

**

**Ruthie walked down a long orange hallway, Lucy at her side. They were following a big guy in a police uniform. They rounded a corner and stopped, he opened a door and let them in. They entered a white room with lots of tables, in the middle Alex sat quietly at on of the tables in an orange jumpsuit. Ruthie walked up to the table and sat down.**

"**Hi." She said quietly. Alex looked at her he wasn't angry or hurt. He looked sad, and distant. **

"**Hi" He replied. "What are you doing here?"**

"**I wanted to apologize for making you feel like dirt, even though I hate you for what you did. I was still a bitch," She said looking down.**

"**I'm sorry," He said, he looked so confused. She wasn't sure if he meant it or not. **

"**I'm sure you heard about Ryan? Some friend isn't he?" She snapped back. She wanted to yell at him. "I still don't get you, you wanted me so badly you would've killed me? Are you mental or just stupid?"**

"**Why are you here?" he asked.**

"**Because it's not my fault Sean is dead!" She yelled.**

"**You want me to say that well sorry I won't I'm sorry he's dead… and I'm sorry for what Ryan did to you, but your still a bitch" He was going to get up but she stopped him.**

"**No, I wasn't I just didn't love you. You made me into a super bitch in your head because of how everyone else treated you. You just want to justify what you did. You're not sorry, you're pathetic and it wasn't my fault cause you pulled the trigger," Ruthie said, with that she got up and left.**

"**You only came here to justify your own regrets, but you'll never get over it. You know why cause it's your fault and you know it!" He yelled back at her as she left. "YOU KNOW IT!" She shook her head and tuned him out as she left. Ruthie felt herself let go. She finally forgave herself after seeing the monster as himself. She had to see Alex for who he really was not Psycho stalker she thought she created. Ruthie knew when he yelled back that he wasn't sorry, he was sorry she was there. She knew it wasn't her fault.**


	12. Rumors

**(A/N) This isnot the last chapter I will tell you before so don't worry! Please read and review.**

**Chapter twelve: Rumors**

**Ruthie had planned this all out in her head, but now faced with the reality of doing it she wasn't sure she could. As she walked down the hall she could feel the heat of the stares coming at her, some were sympathetic glances and others were icy glares. Ruthie brushed them off and kept on walking; she was ready for the criticism and judgment because she could give a rat's ass what these nobodies thought of her. The one thing Ruthie hated was how alone she felt, she felt like nobody in the school cared about her. That's probably because nobody did, they cared about the gossip she brought and the stories of her but not about her. Ruthie could tell this was going to be a long day.

* * *

**

**Ruthie sat in the back of the cafeteria pushing her food around on her plate, and listening to the whispering around her. She couldn't take it anymore; Ruthie got up and dumped her lunch in the garbage placing the tray on top. Ruthie rushed out of the lunchroom ignoring the whispers as she left. She walked quickly to the guidance counselor's office. Once there, Ruthie took a seat on a couch in the front area; she rested her head in her hands letting her tears slowly streak her face. The door opened and Ms. Nobelle walked out talking to another student. Ruthie figured she was a ninth grader; Ruthie would do anything to go back to being an innocent 9th grader like her.**

**"Ruthie?" Ms. Nobelle said in a soft voice.**

**"Can we talk?" Ruthie sighed and followed Ms. Nobelle into her office and sat down in a chair. Once the door closed Ruthie started talking so fast it was hard to keep up.**

**"Slow down," Ms. Nobelle said.**

**"Why do people care," Ruthie said.**

**"What do you mean?" She asked.**

**"They all care about what happened and I mean they care about the gossip why do people have to have an opinion on any of this its none of their business!" Ruthie said getting up. She started walking back and forth. "I mean, is my life really that interesting and you should hear of the things they've said!"**

**"Like what?" She said.**

**"I've heard so many rumors, they're awful! You want to know the worst!" Ruthie said sitting down again she was making herself dizzy walking back and forth. She looked up at Ms. Nobelle who nodded at her. "Someone said they heard I got drunk and had sex with Ryan and Alex and as a cover-up told Sean they raped me so that Sean would go and beat up Alex and then Alex came to school and shot him. Why would anyone makeup something so mean and ridiculous!"**

**"People love to gossip, it's like the game telephone when it's transferred by word of mouth people misunderstand and add their own details" Ms. Nobelle said. "People also just want someone to blame" Ruthie started crying harder and just sat there staring at the floor.**

**"I thought…" She started taking a deep breath. "I thought today would be so much different I thought that I would be ready for all the rumors and that I would show people I didn't care, but I guess do"**

**"So you care what people think, you're not the first Ruthie. Rumors are mean and hurtful, it's hard to just ignore them but I know you can." Ms. Nobelle said. The bell rang and Ruthie looked up at Ms. Nobelle. She waited a moment and then hesitantly got up.**

**"Thanks" Ruthie said before she left Ms. Nobelle gave her a reassuring smile. Ruthie walked out into the halls to face the judgment but she braced herself with the thought that there was only half a day left.

* * *

**

**Ruthie walked out of the building and into the sun where students were running out to enjoy the rest of the day. Ruthie felt a sudden relief as she walked down the steps. Ruthie spotted Martin in his car, and waved he always seemed to get out before her. Ruthie was heading toward him when she spotted the one face she had dreaded seeing all day. _Ryan! _He turned his head and met her eyes giving her a glare. Ruthie looked back at Martin and took a deep breath as she headed in the other direction. With each step Ruthie could feel her heart pounding out of her chest as she approached Ryan and his buddies, the few he had left.**

**"What'd _you_ want?" Ryan said glaring at her.**

**"I… I…" Ruthie stammered. Martin watched in his car stunned wondering what she was doing, when she reached ran, Martin got out ran over to her.**

**"Ruthie?" Martin said.**

**"No," Ruthie said shaking her head. "Ryan, I just wanted to tell you that if you _ever_ bother me in school you'll regret it. I don't want to ever see your face, hear you voice or hear your name again! You didn't ruin my life, and I didn't ruin Alex's life. I talked to him, he's sorry for what _you_ did. Alex may be psychotic and pathetic, but you your _just_ pathetic and your not worth my time. If you were I might actually care about making your life miserable." Ruthie said looking at him in disgust. "Oh and for all I care you can tell people whatever you want about me, cause you and I both know the truth." Ruthie started to walk away, when Ryan reached out and grabbed her arm she froze in her spot. Martin shoved him so hard to the ground he almost smashed his head on the concrete. Ruthie stood there motionless, with her jaw hanging down.**

**"You _ever_ touch her again and I _will_ smash your head into the ground!" Martin said fiercely.**

**"You ever touch me again and I'll do it myself," Ruthie said walking past him. Ruthie finally felt a sense of relief a sense of power she wasn't of afraid of Ryan anymore. She didn't have to be.**


	13. Tears I've Shed

**Chapter Thirteen: Tears I've shed**

"**Martin can you drive me somewhere?" Ruthie asked.**

"**Sure, Anywhere you want." Martin said looking at her momentarily. Ruthie took a deep breath and told him where to take her. She had one more stop on her checklist.

* * *

**

**Ruthie once again walked among the dead and the living as she and Martin walked hand in hand down the rows of tombstones. The ground sinking slightly beneath their feet, once she made her way to Sean's row she let her hand fall out of Martin's and walked ahead, he stopped watching her walk ahead of him. As she knelt down in front of Sean's grave, she took a deep breath.**

"**I must've come here so many times, I bet you're tired of talking to me," She laughed. "I can't keep doing this to myself. It's too hard to come to see you all the time. I feel like I've let you down if I don't come. I'll come sometimes but I have to move on, and I don't have to be here to talk to you. That's what Dr. Grainer said at least. I'll never forget you," She whispered blowing him a kiss. Ruthie let two tears slip off her face and kiss the ground below her as she got to her feet and walked away. "I'll never forget you, I'll always love you," She whispered to herself again. She joined Martin as they walked back to the car. **

**Back in the car Ruthie held her hand on the locket the whole way home remembering everything she could about him. The way he smiled, the way he laughed, how soothing his voice was when she was tired, how calm he could be and how hot headed he could be as well, she remembered everything good about him, everything they'd done together. She remembered why she loved him, and she knew he'd always be hers.**

**Back at the house Ruthie went up to her room immediately and signed online, she opened up her email.**

_**Paige,**_

_**School started out awful you won't believe the things people said about me. They actually blamed me for everything isn't that silly :wink wink: I'm so over Ryan, meaning he doesn't scare me anymore. I totally told him off, I told him not to ever talk to me or bother me again and told him how pathetic he was. Then he got mad and grabbed my arm, but Martin shoved him to the ground and told him he kill him if he ever touched me again. Then I told him I'd do it myself if he touched me again. After school I went to Sean's grave. I told him that I couldn't come all the time cause it hurt to much and I realized that I don't have to Sean will always be mine he'll always love me and he wants me to be happy. He wouldn't want me to keep crying over him, I thought about all the good times we had together. Like when the three of us went to Splish splash remember and you and I pantsed him in the pool. Lol. That was funny, I never saw him so red. Wow, I gtg, I really miss you Paige school's not the same without you. I'll keep the squad together.**_

_**Ruthie**_

**Ruthie sent the email and signed off. Smiling to herself as she got up and went downstairs for dinner.**


	14. Moving on

**Chapter fourteen: Moving on**

**Ruthie lay on her bed, listening to the sounds of the night try to seduce her into sleep. As she lay there she thought about how she had changed the past year, a year ago she was a perky little girl with a lot of spirit and a lot of energy. She realized how much her life had depended on the security of the things around her, when her life fell apart she lost her sense of self. She had lost everything but in a way it had helped her, she had always thought she was independent and secure. After her world shattered she realized she'd always been dependent. Ruthie knew that she was stronger now then she ever was, and that right there was what satisfied her. Ruthie closed her eyes and let herself drift off as the night wore her down; she felt a sense of security in her sleep a security that she had thought she would never get back.

* * *

****Ruthie opened her eyes to soft morning light that had crept in through her windows, the light casting shadows across her floor. Ruthie got herself out of bed, running a comb through her hair. She slipped out of her bedroom and tiptoed down the stairs as to not wake anyone up. As she touched the hard wood floor in the kitchen Ruthie could feel the wood beneath her feet. Sunday mornings were always her favorite. Ruthie spotted her mother making breakfast and watched her brothers sitting on the table watching their mother, chatting away, oblivious to her presence. Ruthie leaned against the wall and just watched, observing her family being normal, the innocence of her little brothers became real to her. She wondered what she'd missed in their lives in the past year. Ruthie realized as she listened to them that they had grown up; she realized she had finally come home. Ruthie knew she went upstairs that night but she finally felt like she came back down. **

"**Morning," Ruthie said. She watched as her mother's face changed instantly when she spotted her. **

"**Morning," her mother smiled. Ruthie smiled trying to ignore the feeling. She took a seat at the table beside her brothers.**

"**Morning Ruthie," She could hear a slight sigh when they said that. Suddenly Ruthie felt like none of her family really knew she was back. They all still felt like they had to tiptoe around her.**

"**Want some breakfast?" Annie asked breaking Ruthie's train of thought.**

"**Sure," she smiled. Her mother brought the three of them breakfast and then went back to cleaning dishes.**

"**Hurry up and eat cause we have to head over to church soon," Annie said rushing them. "I'm going to go upstairs and change"**

"**I'll watch the boys for you," Ruthie offered. **

"**We don't need to be watched in our own home!" David snapped. **

"**Yeah, and besides your still eating we might as well go get dressed too" Sam replied. The two of them got up and dumped their plates, leaving Ruthie in shock. She watched her two brothers stomp up the stairs; she looked to her mother who sighed and followed them upstairs. Ruthie sat there pushing her food around, she suddenly didn't feel hungry anymore, but she finished her breakfast and headed upstairs to get dressed.**

**Once dressed she headed downstairs to join her brothers in the living room, Ruthie was on her way downstairs when she bumped into martin. He looked up and smiled at her. Ruthie could tell it was a genuine one; Martin may be the only one who doesn't think he has to tiptoe around me anymore.**

"**Hey," She said smiling.**

"**Hey, you look nice," He smiled.**

"**Thanks," Ruthie said, she heard the doorbell ring and knew Kevin and Lucy must be here they always dropped by to make sure there was nothing they could do to help.**

"**Um…" Martin said looking away.**

"**Maybe I was wrong…" Ruthie muttered.**

"**Huh?" Martin looked at her puzzled.**

"**Nothing I better go downstairs now," She said shaking her head. Ruthie headed downstairs with Martin behind her. Ruthie entered the living room and saw everyone rushing out the door. She grabbed her coat and headed out to.**

"**Hey" Ruthie said waving at Lucy.**

"**Hey" Lucy said smiling she gave her sister a half-hug before jumping into her car with the twins and Kevin. The twins had asked to go with Lucy and Kevin so they could ride with their cousin. Ruthie got into the back seat of her parents car, as they headed church. A light drizzle started to come down, making it way slightly down the window. Ruthie could feel her mood dripping down along with the rain.

* * *

**

**As they all entered the Camden household after church, the front hall soon smelled of rain. Annie quickly got everyone to get their coats and shoes off and put them in a corner, before heading into to make coffee and lunch. Ruthie headed into the living room where everyone was, her dad, Martin and Kevin sat on the couch watching a game and the twins were on the floor in front of them cheering. Lucy sat in the chair watching them and giggling. Ruthie went into the kitchen.**

"**Mom?" She said hesitantly.**

"**Yes Ruthie?" Her mom stopped what she was doing immediately. **

"**I wanted to talk to everyone in the living room," She said.**

"**Oh sure," Annie said following her daughter into the living room. When she got there she walked over and turned off the TV and sat down in the chair opposite Lucy. **

"**HEY!" the twins cried.**

"**It'll just take a second" Ruthie stuttered. Everyone turned and faced her; she felt a little nervous and started to fiddle with her fingers. "I wanted to say that I wish everyone would stop tiptoeing around me. I'm okay, I'm not over it and I never will be completely but I'm okay." She stopped.**

"**I realized that I've been gone this past year but I'm back and I mean it me! Ruthie! I'm back. All of you I'm not going to break if you hug me or cry if you get mad at me! I'm sorry if I've missed you guys growing up," She said turning to the twins. "I want you all to treat me like your sister or your daughter or your friend or what ever, not as a victim. Cause that's how you've all been treating me, but I'm okay." After she was done Ruthie felt a sense of relief rush over her, she knew she was right, she was okay. Ruthie knew after all this time her life could finally move on, she could finally move on.**


End file.
